I hate Jim and Pam. They suck, and they are getting married on tonight’s episode of The Office. I hope Karen shows up at their wedding all psycho-like and tries to kill Pam. Jim, of course, being the fantastic douchebag he is, would try to save Pam’s life. After he tosses Karen’s 90 lb body out the window, he will look at the camera and slightly raise the side of his mouth, as if he were saying “I have no idea what is going on, but what the hell are you videotaping?”

Not ten seconds later will Roy swing down from the church rafters shouting, “Ha ha, Halpert! I’ve been waiting for this!” Jim will scream like the little girl he is as Roy descends upon him. Then, out of nowhere, Dwight will throw a dagger at the bungie line that Roy is swinging from. Roy will crash to the floor, injuring his face.

Karen will rise through the window and begin attacking Pam, when she sees Roy laying on the floor. At that moment, Karen will realize that Roy is her one true love and run to his side. Roy, of course, doesn’t feel the same way about Karen, but he is lonely. Karen and Roy will then begin making out in the aisle. The crowd will cheer as love blossoms in front of their eyes.

Jim will then turn to Pam and say, “I didn’t think we’d have to use this until the reception,” as he presses a button in his pocket. Instantly an explosion is heard and the church is surrounded by flames. Jim will look at the camera once again with a slightly different pose that says “This is my best prank on Dwight yet!” Dwight, aware that Jim just exploded his Trans-Am, will begin to sob uncontrollably.

Finally, as Pam is about to say her final “I Do,” a hand will burst through her uterus. Jim will turn pale, as if he knew what was coming. Soon, out from “Pam” comes SPECIAL AGENT MICHAEL SCARN. He’ll point his gun at Jim and say, “Mr. Halpert, you are under arrest for making love to a federal agent while he was in disguise as the receptionist!” And Jim will shout, “But where’s Pam?!!?”

Special Agent Scarn will then sneer at Jim. “Pam who?”

Yeah I’m a little late posting this, and there’s a new episode due up tomorrow. I usually try to write a little “behind the scenes” info with these posts on my site, and it’s safe to say this was the most complicated Closet episode yet. Usually the filming, editing, and posting of an episode takes a max of 2 hours, usually in the neighborhood of 90 minutes. This time she took a little over 4 hours before she was ready to go online. None of these episodes have been scripted until now. I improvised the first half but as soon as the “burglar” and I start talking I had to script it out since I also was voicing the burglar (if you couldn’t tell).

I’m actually disappointed with how this episode turned out. I think the funniest part about it are the sound effects, you gotta listen closely because I tried being subtle. I actually try being subtle with my humor in every episode, but unfortunately I think I only really succeeded on the first one.

I’m going to be ending this series within the next few episodes. It was fun reconnecting with people on the internet, I hope I entertained some of you at least a little bit. I know this series hasn’t been my best work but it was a fun way to engage social media once again. Stay tuned for the shocking ending. Will Dave escape? Or will this small closet become his coffin?

Alright so I switched around the episode order this week. The episode that was originally going to be #3 has been moved to #5, so you’ll see it next Wednesday. In “Netbucks”, Dave discusses his grand idea to open a new type of coffee shop. At first I felt really good about this episode, I thought it was pretty funny. After seeing it a bunch of times it doesn’t make me laugh anymore, but perhaps other people will have a chuckle when they see it. This episode’s ending leads into the events of Saturday’s episode #4, so be sure to watch them in order!

Don’t forget to follow on Twitter and Facebook!

In the second episode of Dave in the Closet, Dave admits that he never really planned on locking himself in the closet, only to do it as an act. Unfortunately, Dave is actually locked in the closet and it looks like he will have to adjust to life in there.

New episodes will be uploaded every Wednesday and Saturday! Be sure to follow the show on Facebook and Twitter.

Alright folks. That so-called daveTV finale is a long ways away (not happening). In the meantime, I’ve started a new show called Dave in the Closet.

Basically this is a spin-off of daveTV. Dave (the fictional version of myself from daveTV) is depressed that he is no longer popular on the internet (don’t tell him that he never was). In a drunken fit of self-loathing, he locks himself in his closet and decides to isolate himself from the world forever (however, he brings a laptop and a video camera so he can document his new life in the closet).

Each episode is like a new entry in his diary, and the story will develop a little more with each video. Think of it as a serialized video blog. I’m planning on doing about 10-15 episodes initially, but depending on how things go that could be more (or less). Most episodes will be between 2 and 5 minutes long.

Check out the first episode and stay tuned for the next hilarious development! I haven’t decided if I’m going to update this blog every time a new episode is released, so be sure to follow @closetdave on Twitter and Facebook.

Some of you may remember USC Hotline, an unofficial US Cellular blog that I maintained from September 2007-May 2008. I posted any and all US Cellular news I had to take the blog offline due to a conflict of interest at work (I began working again as a US Cellular agent and they didn’t like the idea of me potentially releasing “insider info” [I never did]). I quit that job in August 2008, but the site never came back online. This was mainly because for a while, I lost interest. I became a Sprint customer (since US Cellular doesn’t have service in most of Minnesota) and just let the site sit there.

Fast forward to September of 2009. The site is still gathering roughly 100 unique hits per day, has 160 RSS subscribers, it is placed well on Google search results, and emails and comments I’ve received indicate that many users still are looking for a US Cellular news site. Also, this guy is getting married next summer and could use any available extra income. The site was fun to operate, I liked keeping up with all the blogs and the forum posts, and getting anonymous US Cellular employees emailing me information. So on September 21 (the two year anniversary since the site went online – cute, isn’t it?) USC Hotline will officially be relaunched.

I have a lot of work to do in the meantime. I need to clean out all of the spam comments, research everything that has happened at US Cellular since I left, and most importantly, try to find some reliable insiders who don’t mind dropping a little knowledge my way. I also would really like to redesign the site and migrate it to WordPress (its running on Drupal right now which isn’t as good for straight out blogging), but I need to make sure I won’t screw up my search engine placement and won’t lose the hundreds of comments people have left.

While you’re waiting for the site to come back online, why don’t you follow @uschotline on Twitter? I’ll be tweeting status updates about the relaunch and any US Cellular breaking news that comes across my desk.

Also, my next priority blogging-wise is to get this site back on its feet. I’m having good luck with traffic lately and it’ll only improve the more I post.

The weeks flew by, anticipation grew, and before I knew it, I was standing in line at the Germantown, WI Sprint store at 6AM on June 6, 2009. The Palm Pre was about to be released, and I was going to be one of the first to get my hands on it. I had watched YouTube demonstrations of the phone, read all the rumors at PreCentral.net, and prepared myself for what surely was going to be the greatest phone ever. Before I knew it, I was out $370 and had a shiny new Palm Pre and Touchstone charger in hand. Almost two weeks later, my hype and infatuation with the device has died down and it’s time to face the facts (and I’m going to use Engadget‘s pics from their review…because they are the best).

The Great:

• Multitasking is by far one of the strongest features. It is very intuitive and easy to use, and really saves a bunch of time when composing emails or text messages and you need to quick look something up in the meantime.
• The web browser is the absolute best mobile web browser I’ve ever used. Better than Opera Mobile, better than Skyfire, and yes, better than the iPhone’s Safari. It renders pages like Digg, Twitter, the full Facebook site (with chat included) 100% identical to your computer’s browser (save for a slight misplacement of the bottom bar on Facebook). It’s very fast and easy to use with the pinch multi-touch zooming.
• Email is fantastic. Gmail IMAP is pushed to the device instantly, and any changes made to your phone’s inbox (reading emails, deleting emails) is pushed to your online inbox immediately. Also, it appears that they have implemented full HTML rendering in the email application. HTML emails come in and look exactly as they are supposed to, rendering them better than Outlook 2007.
• The keyboard is a joy to type on. Many people complain that it’s cramped, but once you start typing with the tips of your thumbs instead of the flats (as I already had to do with the HTC Diamond and it’s terrible on-screen QWERTY keyboard), it becomes much easier. The keys are a little gummy, similar to the Palm Centro, and it gives a nice feedback when using your thumbs or thumbnails.
• WebOS is a great platform. The UI is smooth and polished, kinetic scrolling is very fluid in most cases. The notification system is very sweet, as well as the concept of Synergy (although it does not always work as planned, more on this below). Overall, WebOS 1.0 is a great start and has nearly unlimited potential for expansion. Also, hackers have decompiled the source code for WebOS and are already making modifications.
• While battery life is not the greatest (see below), it’s pretty cool that enabling Wi-Fi actually helps your battery. I leave Wi-Fi on 100% of the time now and have seen an improvement at work and home (where I have decent Wi-Fi signal, but not so decent EVDO signal).

The not-so-great:

• The build quality on the phone is solid, yes, but the slider is a bit too loose on some models (some users report that their slider is just fine). Also, the backplate clicks and shifts after a while and this is one of my biggest pet peeves with phones. My last 5 phones all had paper taped to the inside of the battery door to act as a buffer and prevent it from shifting around and clicking while composing messages. Many users have reported dead pixels, warped LCD screens, light leakage, overheating, memory leaks, spotty reception, extremely fragile displays (cracking without any definite pressure), and other dreadful symptoms. It is estimated that roughly 30% of the Palm Pres out there are defective in one of these ways. Mine is fine, after I McGuyver’ed a fix to the clicking back plate (taped a bunch of folded paper in there).
• Synergy doesn’t quite work the way it should. Facebook sync doesn’t add new friends on Facebook to your phone, only during the first initial sync of the account. In order to get new Facebook friends on the phone, you need to delete your existing Facebook partnership and add it again. This can cause problems by unlinking contacts that you had merged manually. Also, I noticed that my Google calendar did not sync items that I added on my device to the web calendar until I deleted the account and reconnected it. It has been working since then.
• Universal search only searchs contacts, apps, and the pre-defined web sources. It would be nice to see this search emails or other documents, even if it was an extra button push. Right now there is no way to search email and files.
• Can’t access the filesystem and organize files. Bummer.
• Battery life is…okay, better than my HTC Diamond. At first it was awful, but after about a week of charging it, I only lose about 1% per hour when idle. On normal usage days it’s at about 50-60% when I go to bed. That’s not bad, but if I’m browsing the web, listening to music, or using Twitter for an extended time, she goes down fast. I lost almost 30% in a 20 minute car ride just by surfing the web the entire time.
• The alarm clock is too quiet and also does not ring if you get a calendar reminder before the alarm is due to go off. This made me late for work 2 days this week!
• Many bugs in the software are present. There’s an entire catalog on PreCentral.net’s forums.

Overall, the Palm Pre is a really GREAT device. I am certainly pleased with my purchase, and many of the negative things I have to say about it can be fixed in a software update. The next firmware upgrade is rumored to be in a few weeks, and will most likely solve some performance issues, increase battery life, and add video recording capabilities.

I’ll see you in two months when I write my next post!

Summer days, drifting away to uh-OH those suMMER NIIIIGHTS….tell you more, tell you more? There was no summer lovin (that is sinful), but there are some epic plans for this summer! How about a nice list? Those are nice, AND they take up space, but only if you call within the next 10 minutes.

• Finish daveTV (Same promise that we’ve had for 4 years but whatever. We mean it this time, I think)
• Start a new (amazing) show – six episodes, 30 minutes each. Make a DVD out of it.
• Get Zac Efron and Nick Jonas to do a daveTV ad for the finale episode. Seriously, they are fans.
• Take summer classes at UW-Milwaukee
• Take on a full-time IT position
• Become an amateur beer connoisseur
• See VAST and Nine Inch Nails
• I will not menstruate
• Start Steam Achievements, Audiosuede, the daveTV project, revive USC Hotline (maybe)
• Pay off credit card debt
• Save for wedding / invest for wedding
• Buy the Palm Pre
• Go fishing, catch big fish, freak out, throw it back
• I’ll probably poop a lot if everything goes to plan
• Gamble away the rent…(join me on PokerStars)
• Hang out with friends
• Hang out with Sarah (if time permits…jk )

Sounds like a fun summer, right? I know, I’m so excited. In fact, I’m so excited I might just post this now without some sort of witty ending so I can do something more important. Ciao!

NNSFW – “Not ‘not safe for work’”…bait ‘n switch lol.

This is a video of Digg.com’s founder (and one of my geek idols), Kevin Rose, interviewing Trent Reznor, the creative muscle behind my all-time favorite band, Nine Inch Nails. Kevin is asking him the top ten questions that people submitted at Digg.com. Pretty awesome! Know what? It gets better. The fifth question that Kevin asks Trent is one that I submitted! Almost 5,000 questions were submitted to Trent and mine ended up being one of the top ten. Sweet! Oh wait, what’s this other video?

Heroes Podcast: Live Show Replay

My email is read about 17 minutes in. They almost say my entire name (that would have been okay lol). This is from last night’s live Heroes podcast shortly after the episode. I sent an email to the show explaining why I loved it so much and they read my email on the air! This is syndicated to roughly 10,000 podcast subscribers.

With all this press I’ve been getting, I might need to shave. Nah.

Alright, it’s time for me once again to share my obsession with cellular telephones with the world. My latest (and certainly greatest obession) is the Palm Pre, the world’s first true iPhone killer, and the first phone to actually operate using the Internet. Here’s a quick rundown of the coolest features:

• Palm Synergy – by far one of the most useful innovations I’ve seen on a cell phone. It grabs your contacts, calendars, and events from several online sources (Gmail, Facebook, Microsoft Exchange, etc). If your contacts are on Facebook, then their profile pic will automatically be set as their contact photo.
• Another cool feature of Synergy is that Instant Messaging is enabled in the OS and blended with SMS and email. You can get an email from someone, and then notice that they are signed into Google Talk or MSN, for example. Instead of replying, you can just open an IM conversation. If the person signs off, you can continue the conversation via text message withouth leaving the same window.
• Beautiful interface that allows for true multi-tasking (open new applications as “Cards” (similar to windows on the computer)
• Full QWERTYvertical slide-out keyboard (okay I actually wish this was a side-sliding keyboard, but it should work well enough)
• “Universal search” – just start typing on the home screen and you can instantly search your contacts, Google, Google Maps, Wikipedia, and more. Perfect for those times when you want to learn about the history of Dr. Pepper and other delicious items.
• 3rd party applications and app store (direct competition to the iPhone App Store)
• Countless other features, just check out the Palm site.

It’s clear that the Pre is the perfect device for Internet addicts (me). There is no release date yet and no pricing information. Palm insists the phone will be released exclusively to Sprint before June 30 and several rumors place it being released around May 10 or May 17 (would be the best birthday ever). The rumored price is $199. I’ll be able to sell my HTC Diamond for about $200 with it being in good shape, and since Sprint says my contract is already eligible for renewal, I’ll get it at subsidized pricing (going to order it through Sprint.com though just to avoid any in-store shenanigans). There will be other devices with the same operating system (WebOS) released to every network in every shape and size in the future.

Unfortunately, that means that 8-12 months from now I’ll probably see a new WebOS device that has a better form factor (side-sliding keyboard, bigger screen) and I will most definitely want it. But for now, my heart is set on the Pre, which will become my 12th cell phone since my first one in fall of 2005 (15th if you count replacements).